Rewriting “me”
It’s not always just narcissism. Nevertheless, a lot of the things clients (again, particularly my lawyer clients) give me to edit is all about “our firm,” “me,” “we” or some other first-person variation.
It may be that it’s just easier for some of us write that way. And sometimes, what we write sounds as though it was in response to a question such as, “What nanotechnology patent work have you done recently?”
It just naturally comes out as “We represented so-and-so doing such-and-such.”
Don’t get me wrong. A little of this OK.
List after list, page after page of the same, however, is mind-numbingly boring.
And, it looks narcissistic.
Well, let me show you how easy is to fix this kind of self-centered writing. Here are six before and after examples.
BEFORE #1
Advise players associations of major professional sports leagues on tax issues with respect to player contracts, including analysis of deferred compensation arrangements and negotiation of agreements with state and municipal taxing authorities.
AFTER #1
The players associations of major sports leagues needed advice on tax issues and player contracts. We helped them protect their financial assets, including analysis of deferred compensation arrangements and negotiation of agreements with state and municipal taxing authorities.
BEFORE #2
Handle all aspects of equity compensation received by a prominent university professor for service on Boards of Directors of public and privately held companies.
AFTER #2
A prominent university professor wasn’t sure how to handle equity compensation for service on Boards of Directors of public and privately held companies. Our attorneys helped with all aspects of structuring this to the client’s advantage.
BEFORE #3
Represent early stage health payment systems technology company in multiple rounds of venture capital led financing.
AFTER #3
An early-stage health payment systems technology company engaged [FIRM’S NAME] to help the start-up through multiple rounds of venture capital-led financing.
BEFORE #4
Represent private equity fund in $4 million investment in confection company. The investment was made in multiple tranches at different stages of the company’s business cycles.
AFTER #4
A private equity fund needed help with a $4 million investment in a confections company. The firm provided counsel for the investment, which was made in multiple tranches at different stages of the company’s business cycles.
BEFORE #5
Represent publicly held health data analytics firm in multiple acquisitions with transaction values of approximately $10 million to $30 million. We handle all aspects of the transactions, including negotiation of terms, legal due diligence, drafting and negotiation of definitive terms and closing.
AFTER #5
A publicly held health data analytics firm hired us to serve as counsel in multiple acquisitions with values of approximately $10 million to $30 million. Our attorneys handled all aspects of the transactions, including negotiation of terms, legal due diligence, drafting and negotiation of definitive terms and closing.
BEFORE #6
Represented private equity firm in acquisition of a dairy and home delivery food business. The transaction required negotiation with a number of stakeholders in the target company, including multiple creditors and shareholders. We continue to serve as outside general counsel to the operating company.
AFTER #6
A private equity firm planned to acquire a dairy and home-delivery food business. The transaction required negotiation with a number of stakeholders in the target company, including multiple creditors and shareholders. We continue to serve as outside general counsel to the operating company.
OK, I know. There’s still a lot of the first person in this. If there were a way to avoid that (or most of it), I would.
I think you’ll agree, first person references notwithstanding, that it’s an improvement in two significant ways. First, it shifts the reader’s attention to the other person (“them”) and away from the law firm/engineer/architect/whatever (“us”). And, second, it adds variety.
Which are both more likely to keep your reader’s attention.
Which is much better than Echo could do with Narcissus.
Love this tip and have made a note — I’m redoing my website and also sending out proposals that are tailored to the recipient, with examples that (I hope) will be of interest.
Glad you and Tim ended up at the same place at the same time! He’s one of my favorite people.
1C
Great tip here. I noticed something else too is that it’s much more friendly to read. I read the before and was a bit dumbfounded (not really my field lol), but the after made a little more sense.
2Thanks, Colleen and Christopher!
I could use some more feedback. Since I’m still very new and very unsure about WordPress, I’d love to know what the interface and experience is like for the visitor.
What, for example, did it take for you to subscribe…assuming that’s what you’ve done? If so, did you have to register? What was that like. If you’re registered, do my new blogs go to your e-mail? How did you find out about the blog? Google? LinkedIn? Other?
Thanks for taking the time to respond to this survey!
DOUG
3Doug I sent you an email, with a little more detail, but I basically subscribed by putting your web address into google reader. Your register button up there leads to where one can sign up to add to your blog. It’s not for updates.
I found out about your website on another blog, but I can’t remember which one it was. I read too many I think lol.
4Good morning, Colleen! How’s your Web project? DOUG
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